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Issue #1010
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From Russ

The Ontarion

Hi All,

Good grief, here we are into October already. At the current speed of time it will be the end of the year in no time. Where does the time go? Did you know that the ‘speed of time’ is relative and actually somewhat variable? The faster the speed of something, the slower the time, the faster time, the slower speed goes and so on. Did you know that at our location in our galaxy, our rotational speed around our galaxy is about 130 miles per second? Did you know that our galaxy is moving through the universe at about 1.3 million miles per hour? Did you know that we can only see a relatively small section of the universe, out as far as light has been able to travel since the ‘beginning’. Out beyond what we can see, the speed of the expansion of the universe means that the light from those distant galaxies can never reach us. Did you know that the night sky is actually crowded with star and galaxy light but that due to most objects receding from out view at incredible speeds, their light is so redshifted that our eyes can’t detect their light? We seem to be stuck with a very narrow visual range and can only see a small section of the light spectrum. That redshifted infrared light falls outside our range of sight. Did you know that the speed of light is not the ultimate limiting factor for speed in the universe (at least in this universe) but that the ultimate fastest speed of anything, including light photons, is governed by that relationship between speed and time. I feel so ripped off.

Did you know that after enduring one of the driest summers on record, the west coast has now had to endure one of the wettest Septembers on record. How is that fair? My poor motorcycle has had to be parked for days and weeks. During the summer it was due to the heat and now its due to the rain. It only gets to go out riding when its nice out (my choice, not it’s). Then there is our lawn. After being burned to a crispy yellow during the summer by the relentless sun and heat, it is now halfway up to our knees in height, lush and deep green but never gets a chance to dry out enough to be mowed. The easy solution to that problem would be to get a pair of goats or sheep to munch the grass back down to a respectable height but that idea doesn’t seem to be very popular or practical. The flip-side is that our car and truck have gone from being constantly covered in dust to being nicely and constantly rinsed off. Thats a good thing. And now to this weeks attempt at musical entertainment…..

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to sing a song while being accompanied by a choir? You know, standing on a stage or wherever and doing the song while the choir or choral group backs you up with their vocals. It’s not something I’ve ever experienced and doubt I ever will but the thought of such an experience is interesting. A while back Karin in Australia wondered if I do any Peter Paul & Mary songs and I guess I used to so I guess I still could. That got me thinking about a song they did called ‘Day Is Done’ They had their incredibly powerful voices and their incredibly powerful delivery, and, in their later years often had choirs or choral groups backing them up. So, I figured why not try to do that all myself, sing the song and be my own choir. Every time I record an audio recording I do my own backup but I tend to to sound like a band. In fact, I try to sound like a band made up of a bunch of ‘me’. I wondered if I could create the sound and feel of singing in front of a choir. The differences are subtle but very real. My approach would have to be slightly different from the usual way I arrange my arrangements, and then my mixing of the sound tracks would have to also reflect what I’m trying to do, which is a slight separation between me and the other ‘me’s’. And, I think I pulled it off, at least a bit. I’ve put together a recording of Day Is Done with myself being the orchestra and myself doing the lead singing, and a chorus of myself being my backup choir. Like I said, the difference is subtle but it is there. I hope you enjoy my cover of PP&M’s Day Is Done.

Day Is Done

I’ll try to have a video version ready for viewing in the not too distant future.

doug

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From Russ

The Honey Pail>Finale

Last week we left poor, dead, Gladys lying naked on her back, legs spread, her amputations clearly visible - the other cops paid no attention to her missing great toes, but I did. The large bruise across her chest stood-out as though she'd been badly beaten. The Acting- Chief, Sergeant/detective, and the Identification Officer were convinced this was a "sex-murder".

Somebody's got to be arrested for this heinous crime!

I was ordered to locate, and question the male friend. Acting on information received, I located him in the Men's Beverage Room, American Hotel in Downtown, Kitchener. (not the ideal place to question a "person of interest" in a possible murder investigation), but I was green, gullible, and certain Gladys was NOT murdered! Elwood (the boy friend) said he'd had tea with her a few nights ago, and that he hadn't heard from her, so he went to her place - that he unlocked her door (he was given a key), went in and was horrified to to find her "lying naked - like that!". He covered her 'pussy' with part of her bed-sheet (because he was embarrassed for her) - then, he left.

Did you not know she was dead? I asked.

I didn't know what to think - I was hoping she was just sleeping .

Did you see any blood?

I must have, because I remember moving her new shoes - didn't want them to get blood on 'em.

Why didn't you call an ambulance - or the police?

Don't know....feeling awful....this can't be real....needed a drink....must have got drunk and passed-out.....woke up in my room. Sometimes they help me up to my room here in the hotel when I'm really 'pissed'.

I believed him, 'though thousands wouldn't'. Ellwood, this looks bad for you, I cautioned. Plain-clothed cops will likely pick you up and take you to the police station for further questioning - just keep telling the truth - they'll want a written statement from you. If they accuse you of murdering Gladys, don't say anything except "I want to have a lawyer here, and now". I left Ellwood to 'drown his sorrows', and returned to the 'crime scene'. When I started to explain what the boy friend had said - the Sergeant turned red- in- the- face,and snapped - “You arrested him - he's locked-up right?!!”

No, I believe her death was an accident, I said sheepishly.

WHAT!!? You WHAT!!? screamed the Sergeant - then, he threw the case into my lap! It's all yours, Constable, he snarled, and stormed out. He hated me ever since!

Someplace in the Holy Bible it reads: The dead see nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing or words to that affect. Gladys knows otherwise. She has an acute awareness of everything around her, but being a "Spirit"- she has no substance, no feeling. However, she has total recall.

(Gladys now speaks to us:) I'm looking down at my earthly remains - naked, except for a sheet covering my privates, lying on my back upon a stainless steel table - I presume this is a post- mortem examination to determine 'my cause of death'.

This is totally unnecessary! I know what caused my death! I fell upon that 'cursed' piss-pot, striking the back of my head - and bled to death. The 'uniform' knows all this - he got it right - why don't the others listen to him? Oh! Oh! Here comes the "butcher" (pathologist) to 'carve' me up! In an unemotional monotone, he describes what he's doing and finding. Oh no! He's taking a swab of my 'thingee' - what in hell is that all about!? As he's placing the 'sample' into a vile, he mutters (almost as if disappointed), No apparent signs of penetration - but, the lab will confirm.

Penetration? What kind of a woman does he think I am? Noting the bruise across my chest, he says dryly, this is not likely evidence of a 'beating' - but, a fall.

Good god! Now he's slicing open my belly - my guts tumble out. Why? What's he looking for! Taking a sample from the intestines and stomach, he quietly explains to the cop in attendance (me),

Sometimes a perpetrator will poison someone, then hack, and beat his victim to confuse the investigators.

Shit! (oops- sorry) now he's using his 'chain-saw' to cut open my rib-cage - now he's ripping out one of my lungs! Now he's holding them - shaking his grey, old head, and saying, observe the lungs of a long-time, heavy smoker - black, and heavy - dripping with black guck - our subject would not have lived much longer in this condition anyway.

Thank goodness, he's returning my innards to my body cavity - doing a poor job of stitching me up.

Oh no! I can't bear to watch this - he's actually "peeling my face off!" Even the cop closes his eyes and looks away - it's just too gruesome to watch! Why are they mutilating my face? The damned cut is on the back of my neck! Jesus Murphy! Somebody stop this guy - he's armed with a high-speed bone-saw - he's cutting into my forehead - down the sides, under my cheek-bones, and my nose! Holy- moley!! He just lifted a chunk of my skull! I can see my own brains!

I find no apparent damage to the brain, says the pathologist, as he flops it into a stainless steel basin. He continues, Now I have unobstructed view of the cut near the base of the skull. The wound measures nine cm across, two cm deep - where I find an artery has been compromised. My finding is: The cause of death to the subject at hand was the loss of blood due to severe blow to the base of the skull from a sharp- curved metal object. In addition to recording my findings, the officer in attendance throughout this examination will note same.

(Gladys goes on.....) I'm relieved Ellwood was not charged with killing me, but I'm enraged at the unnecessary mutilation and indignity to my dead body!! I hereby make the following curse: My Spirit will never be at rest, and I will haunt Constable Brubacher until my life's story is finally told.

She's right. I can't get her pitiful story off my mind - it haunts me - and has for over sixty years. I'll now rest easy until my demise. And maybe, just maybe I prevented an innocent man from being arrested and charged with murder. God forbid he would have been convicted, at his age (67) he would have died in Kingston Penitentiary - and back then he would be denied a regular funeral and burial - his body would be interred within the prison walls.....as part of his 'Eternal punishment'

Uncle Russ.

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THE ONTARION REPORT

Hello everyone!

About a month ago we were in need of adding more height to the back portion of our fence that is between our house and the house beside us. I was about to go to Home Depot and purchase the needed materials to do the job. However, one evening Adam found a source for used one by sixes that were offered free to anyone that would pick them up from a company in Stratford. He took a drive up to Stratford and brought a truck load of them home. As luck would have it, they matched our 30 year old fencing perfectly. I spent a day removing all the old nails and screws from the boards and then began to build the needed sections for topping off the old fence to make it higher between our house and the neighbours. I managed to complete the two sections in one day and the next day Adam and I spent some time cutting off the branches that were pushing our fence in toward our lot from the neighbours garden. They had told me about 5 months earlier that they would remove those branches from their side of the fence so we could complete the elevation of our fence and also straighten up the existing fence. However, they never did get around to trimming those invasive branches from their side! So, we took it upon ourselves to do the job from our side. The trimming didn’t affect the look of those trees from their side of the fence so there was nothing said by them about our doing the job for them! Having the branches removed, made it easy to mount the extensions to the top of our fence and now we can no longer look through the lattice work that used to make it easy to see what was going on from either side! It’s now nice to have much more privacy than with the shorter old fence!

That pile of fencing materials has come in handy for a few projects around the house. Adam had also picked up some old wood framed windows from a house in Waterloo that had put them out on their boulevard for whoever wanted them. He brought them home and we spent another couple of days building them into a Green House over Carole’s 4’ x 10’ garden patch at the side of the house where our shed is! The patch is backing onto the fence that separates our yard from the sidewalk on Driftwood Dr. With this little green house over that garden patch, Carole can now plant a good sized Garlic garden under the green house and the plantings will be protected from the winter cold and snow! She had a small patch of Garlic planted in the back yard this past year and the garlic turned out to be amazing for her cooking! It’ll be nice to have three times the size of garlic patch for next spring. It’s been very interesting to have made use of someone else’s used fence wood and windows to accomplish these projects!

With the left over wood fencing, I spent this afternoon building a garden decoration in the form of a small wheel barrow. Carole placed it in the garden at the end of our porch and will use it as a summer flower decoration as well as a Christmas decoration with small wooden Gift boxes placed in it for that holiday season! Not to mention the use of it as a centre piece for Fall Decoration during Thanks Giving and the fall season décor!

I enjoy making small projects for Carole’s yard décor and this has been one of the nicest so far. We had in our back garden an antique steel wheel barrow wheel sitting against one of our trees for the past 23 years. It was a gift from old friends of ours who no longer wanted it that many years ago! So, today it finally came of some use other than a decoration itself! I mounted it on the wheel barrow that I just made and it really completed the project with some character for the look of the front garden!

That’s about it for this week folks! It just goes to show you how some good use can be made out of other people’s cast offs! As they say, one man’s junk is another man’s treasure!

Bye for now … Greg

PS: Something To Think About
The next week is Fire Prevention week so please be fire safety conscious and replace the batteries in your smoke detectors!

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Take Care And Be Safe
The Fine Print!
The articles in these issues are the sole property of the persons writing them and should be respected as such.