Issue #912
Including:

From Lorne
From Russ
The Ontarion

Hi All,

Quite often when nothing of interest happens, one must write about what didn’t happen. And thats what I must do this week although what didn’t happen actually did happen but frustratingly and disappointingly, we weren’t able to see it happen. That innermost of planets, Mercury, did a transit of the Sun on Monday. Now what you need to know is that a transit is when an inner planet crosses in front of the Sun from our viewing perspective, meaning we must be in the right place and at the right time to see it. Mercury crosses in front of the Sun every orbit but we only see that happen every 10 years or more. Only we couldn’t see it happen due to an un-forecast overcast. Back east the transit took place during the morning and into the noon hour. Out here most of the transit would have been over by the time our sunrise took place leaving just the last hour visible before Mercury moved on past our view of the sun. Leading up to the event our forecast was for a nice clear morning sky and to that end I dug out my little reflector scope that has a handy dandy sun filter and made sure my camera mount was aligned. I had everything ready to view the last leg of the transit once the morning sun was above our rather high eastern horizon.

Bummer! I woke to an overcast sky with no hope at all of seeing the sun let alone a tiny little ball passing in front. Do you realize how old I’ll be the next time this happens, in the year 2032?

There were lots of other things that didn’t happen or I didn’t do this past week. I didn’t ride my motorcycle, it’s been tucked away for several weeks now. We had November in both September and October with almost endless rain and cold temps. Ironically, once November got here, its been more like October with dry and sunny and seasonally mild days. Mind you, we are supposed to make up for a couple of dry weeks this weekend as a Pacific Low pumps generous amounts of rain onto the coast. I also didn’t win the lottery but thats no surprise because I didn’t have a ticket. And for what its worth, I also wouldn’t have won if I did have a ticket because that have never actually happed. I didn’t record any music this week. Didn’t happen to be in the mood. Didn’t get a hair cut but didn’t need one so perhaps that cancels itself out. Didn’t mow the lawn even though it probably needs it but at this time of year the grass never dries enough to mow, even with sunny days.

I could have gone on and on with this theme but didn’t do that either because that would have gotten silly and I didn’t see any sense in going that far.

doug

****

From Lorne

I am writing this on Tues. for the next issue. I won't be home starting early Wed. morning. Back to St. Marys for more tests. My topic this week is 'where the hell did I hide 'it'? Pulled the house apart at least 3 times but still no luck. Not all bad because a lot of drawers got long over due cleaning out. What is maddening is that I came across the missing item about 2 or 3 months ago and decided it must be moved to a better place as I don't want anyone to find it especially Cindy as that was her birthday gift I always buy while visiting the Gondola gift shop while on our annual visit to Doug and Sue in BC. Always able to keep the usual bear a secret until Nov.4. This time no bear but something new. Cindy said 'no more bears'. Doug and Sue brought 'it' along with them on their trip by car early this summer. Otherwise I would have had to conceal 'it' in my luggage coming home as I did other trips by air. Can anyone out there help me?

Lorne

****

From Russ

DINING OUT.

Patron: Waiter, you’ve got your thumb on my steak!

Waiter: I know – I didn’t want it to fall on the floor again.

We’re all familiar with this ‘Classic’ joke, and I suspect there’s a morsel of truth in it. Some of you have heard me tell this old one:

“We pride ourselves on cleanliness in this establishment”, said the owner, with a wide smile. He went on;

“Nothing is touched with our hands – we use these large tongs to turn your steak; to prepare your baked potato; to toss your salad! We never touch anything we serve here!”

It was a restaurant with an ‘open’ kitchen where patrons could watch food being prepared, and being interested in seeing their whole meal being prepared without the chef ever touching anything with his bare hands, they watched with baited breath, and sure enough, he touched nothing – even the spice containers! At all times, and with each step he used the now famous tongs.

Suddenly he made a dash for the washroom – still wearing his chef’s hat and apron – and carrying the tongs! As our patrons watched in surprise, he emerged looking much relieved; still adorned in his chef’s attire and yes, carrying said tongs. He couldn’t help but notice the people watching, so he took advantage of the situation by again ‘plugging’ his ‘hands-off’ policy.

“Why do I take the tongs into the washroom you’re wondering? As our ‘cleanliness policy’ states, we never touch anything in this establishment with our hands”.

*

There’s a sign posted inside the Men’s washroom in a ‘fast food’

store/restaurant’ which reads:

We are pleased to present you

with clean facilities. If you find

anything not up to our standards

please tell us at once. Thank you.

Patron: The sign says I’m supposed to tell someone from this joint if the men’s can is dirty and out of order!?

Employee: Thank you very much, Sir. I’d be pleased to take your complaint.

Patron: Well, I’ve seen worse – but ‘yer out of ass-wipe; there’s water (let’s call it ‘water’) all over the floor; the toilet’s plugged, and ‘yer fan’s f#^*ed.

Employee: (showing no surprise) Again, we thank you for reporting the unacceptable condition of the washroom; I’ll be sure to let the kitchen staff know – their job is to clean the toilets while on their lunch-break.

*

Motoring from West to back home in the East, a couple in their 60s stopped at a gas station/restaurant in Wayburn, Sas., for a pee-break.

He: “Might’s well gas up and have a bite to eat – need to stretch my legs again”. Naturally, it was a ‘self-serve’ gas station, and he had to clean a mess of grasshoppers from the windshield. Yuk!.

While pumping gas (with his legs crossed),he was looking around and noticed a herd of beef cattle grazing nearby.

She: “The ‘Ladies’ is nice and clean – but the flies!” she complained, as she rushed into the restaurant. When it was his turn- he had to pee so bad – he never really noticed how really bad the flies were!

At the table, as they ‘tried’ to eat their lunch they were bothered by ‘pesky flies, and he, being a ‘smart-ass’, said with a smirk,

“Should keep your kitchen door closed – some of your ‘pet flies’ might escape!”

Waitress: (unconcerned) “Didn’t you see the sign posted outside the door?”

She: “Yes, I did, but didn’t understand what “B Y O F” meant”.

Waitress: “You must be strangers; people from these here parts know enough to be prepared when coming in here this time of year – the sign is simply a reminder to bring your own fly-swatter”.

*

A handsome couple in their late 60’s/early 70’s were seated on stools in a Chinese restaurant in Wingham, Ont. They were just finishing their meal – a variety of Chinese-type food, when he, while draining his cup of coffee, which was “good to the last drop”, felt something in his mouth, and thinking it was coffee grounds, sucked the ‘juice’ out of it. But, it didn’t quite ‘feel’ like coffee grounds; spitting it back into his cup, low and behold it was a large, slightly-chewed, ‘Bluebottle fly’. Yuk!

“Hey!” he hollered at the only Chinese person in the kitchen, “There’s a dead fly in my coffee cup!”. Upon showing it to said person (who could care less), his response was,

“You want ‘nother cup coffee?”

Tune in again next week, if you ‘have the stomach for it’.

Your old Uncle Russ.

****

THE ONTARION REPORT

Hello everyone!

Well, Remembrance Day has come and gone and once again the poppies disappear from view. The one situation that stands out in my mind is the one involving the Queen of England. She had her picture taken along with all of her family members during the British Remembrance Day celebrations. She was as usual dressed very smartly and had her poppies displayed proudly on her chest above her heart. In her picture, she was seen wearing 5 poppies on her chest and was immediately commented upon by an American observer. The US person said, “Gee, I like the bouquet of poppies that the Queen wore, I think I’ll do the same next year!” Of course this was once again a display of American ignorance! Without understanding the reason for the Queen’s wearing 5 poppies once again US Ignorance shone through! Carole mentioned this situation to me and said she could not resist sending this American woman an explanation as to the Queen’s wearing 5 poppies on Remembrance Day. The reason for the Queen wearing the display of 5 poppies is to commemorate the fact that she has five relatives that served in the various branches of the British military! The Army, the Navy, the Air Force, the Militia and the British Women’s Army Corps! Not to mention the Queen herself being the commander of all British Armed Forces! The total ignorance and self centered attitude of the American people never ceases to amaze me! They think that the whole world revolves around the USA and know very little of any country outside their own! For example, they live right next door to Canada and yet many of their citizens still think we Canadians live in igloos and drive dog sleds year round! Little do they know that we only drive dog sleds during the winter! LOL!

Sheesh! It’s hard to believe some of the ignorance of our American neighbours. Of course they are not all like that but it just makes one wonder what they teach their kids in school down there! No wonder their primary concern is protecting their “Right to bare arms!”

Speaking of that, there was once again another mass shooting at a California high school today. What a sad state of affairs to say the least!

There was one more item in the news this week that caught my attention. That was the firing of Don Cherry for his comments about people that don’t think to wear a poppy on Remembrance Day. I wasn’t so sure he meant anything derogatory when he mentioned “you people that come to Canada” of course he meant new Canadians (immigrants) but his intent wasn’t meant to disrespect the immigrants I believe it was to bring to our attention to the fact that we as seasoned Canadians should be educating the immigrants as to our ways of life and our customs here in the western world! If we don’t tell the immigrants that we take in that there are certain customs observed annually, how can we expect them to observe our special events? Carole mentioned to me that if certain requirements were made necessary to new Canadian residents upon their arrival here in Canada then maybe they would be ready and willing to observe our rituals and special events! Each new arrival here in Canada should be given a book that is required reading and understanding telling them the list of special holidays and events that all Canadians must observe. Then they should be given a mandatory class to attend and be tested on the content of same before they are sworn in as Canadian Citizens. If we are not part of the solution, then we are part of the problem. I’m sure that if given a chance to explain himself publicly Don Cherry would still have his job and Hockey Night In Canada would not have lost one of it’s major drawing cards! Whatever happened to “Freedom of speech” in Canada? I also didn’t think it was Ron McClean’s place to be apologizing for Don Cherry! Don can certainly do so for himself if he thought it was necessary! Ron McClean sat beside Don Cherry and nodded his head in agreement with everything Don was saying but he’s still got his job! How fair is that? I think Don should be offered his job back! After all, he’s a senior citizen that most likely needs his paycheque!

That’s about all I have to say for this week folks!
Thanks for tuning in and I’ll look forward to talking to you all again next week in The Ontarion Report!

Bye for now … Greg

PS: Something To Think About>
Sometimes if you give a kid an inch, he becomes a ruler!