The
Squamidian Report – Oct. 16 / 10
Issue #438
Including:
The Ontarion
Hi All,
I had thought the phase had run it’s course but I was wrong, I’m still seeing ‘kids’ you know, those teens and early twenties, who wear their pants down around their crotches or even lower. Saw one guy the other day… he had to shuffle to get out of his car and then waddle like a penguin to walk. His drawers were hanging so low they barely came up to the bottom of his undershorts. The only reason I kept my mouth shut and didn’t start hurling obscenities and taunts at him was because ‘the wife’ was with me and wouldn’t let me make a fool of myself. But it would have been worth it, and fun too.
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There has been some behind the scene chatter about cruelty to animals, spurred on by Greg’s column of last week. Well, I must confess to being cruel to an animal, but on a small and justifiable basis. It all has to do with the saga of ‘Barbeque Mouse’! That’s right, we had been visited by BBQ Mouse. The Wife’s dog Willow had informed us about a possible intruder, she was sure something of interest had taken up residence inside our BBQ. Now I had checked inside the BBQ several times and had found nothing of suspicion yet the dog insisted that there was ‘something’ there. Then, one evening Warren and I were sitting on the back deck and I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. Something had scooted up and into the BBQ.
With Willow at my side as a very eager partaker in the hunt for the intruder, I opened the lid and there, under the grill and the burner was what I took to be a big mouse. It was pretty well dark and a bit hard to see much. With the help of some lid banging I was able to convince the creature to vacate its current location and it jumped down onto the deck and moving at almost the speed of light it evaded Willow’s eager chompers and dove off the deck into the flowerbed and made its escape. That was the end of that for a few days. Then, the other evening as we relaxed after dinner, Willow became very excited again. She was like a kid at Christmas as she tried to open the BBQ for a better look. So I opened it again and there is was, this time on top of the burners but trapped below the grill. And it was not a mouse, it was a larger, grey bush rat. The west coast has lots of these creatures, not as big or ugly or as destructive as the usual type of rat, but a rat nonetheless.
Banging the lid did not convince it to attempt an escape. I assume it was fully aware of the toothy snout that was probing the vent holes along the bottom. I did want it out of there and I did not want it taking any more time than necessary to leave. So, I lit the BBQ. Now before you get all queasy and squirmy, I only lit it long enough for the BBQ to do that ‘poof’ thing they do as they catch, you know, as the propane / air mixture reached the ignition ratio and it explodes into a state of ‘lit’. I immediately shut it off but that was enough to convince the rodent to make a hasty retreat. The BBQ RAT dove out one of the bottom holes in an attempt to reach the deck and escape. However, there was a set of teeth set in the massive jaws of a well-muscled 95-pound bull terrier waiting. She caught the rodent in mid flight and one chomp finished it off.
Now, I did not want Willow to eat the dirty thing and she probably intended to swallow her prized catch whole. In a firm voice I instructed her to drop it and move aside. Much to my delight, she did exactly as told. Had she not I would have been faced with a rather dicey situation as my instructions must be obeyed, not because I want to boss a dog around but because there can be no question about who is in charge when pitbulls are involved. They are incredibly gentle loving dogs but they are tenacious and single minded. Anyway, she obeyed wonderfully and I disposed of the carcass. She was so excited and pumped from our ‘hunting’ adventures that it took a while for her to come back down. She was quite proud of her catch and fully hoped it would show up, nicely grilled and browned, with gravy, in her food dish but she had to make due with some nice turkey instead. She probably dreamed that night of future hunts where I would again flush out the prey and she would do the catching. As for now, Willow is keeping and eye on the BBQ just in case.
doug
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THE ONTARION REPORT
Hello everyone!
Half way through October and Oktoberfest is almost done. In fact, it’ll be finished tomorrow at midnight! I’ve still got no urge to attend this event. I guess maybe if I had a little German in me I might enjoy it but the only thing German that I like in me is cabbage rolls and Sauer Kraut. Maybe a few pig tails to boot! One of my favourite strange foods to eat is pig tails. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this to you guys before but it’s beginning to sound familiar to me. I may just have blabbered on about pigtails in a former Ontarion but what the heck, here it is again. If you’ve never tried pigtails you don’t know what you’re missing! MMMmmmmmm…! Russ mentioned Burns Meats that used to be Schneider’s Meats biggest competition here in Kitchener but they are no longer in existence! The plant used to be on Guelph St. It’s still there but Burns Meats is long gone. I’m not even sure if Burns Meats company still exists anywhere in Canada. They used to be head quartered in Calgary Alberta but they could well be out of business altogether.
Speaking of meat, a friend of mine was in possession of a huge bag of pepperonis and he made me a gift of about a third of that bags contents a couple of weeks ago. MMMmmmmm…… once again! Those pepperonis are soooooo goooood that the entire 10 lbs is already gone. I don’t know what little sneak ate them all but I only had about 6 dozen myself! Guess I’ll have to ask my friend to snag me an entire bag of them next time they fall off a truck or wherever they came from! LOL! I think he has a friend in the meat business that actually makes them in his own abattoir. At any rate, they sure are spicy and I know they’re really good for your circulatory system so I hope he calls soon with news of a new supply!
All this talk of food is making me hungry and since I’ve run out of things to talk about for the first time in months, I’m going to say “That’s all for this week folks!”
Thanks for tuning in and I look forward to talking to you all again next week in The Ontarion Report!
Bye for now….. Greg.
PS: Something To Think About>
What will the Liberals put a tax on next?
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Have a good one..
the doug
The Fine Print!
The articles in these issues are the sole property of the persons writing them and should be respected as such.